


Erlebnisse - The Experiences

by mallaidhsomo



Series: Erlebnisse [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Banter, Colonist (Mass Effect), Established Relationship, Flirting, Jazz Music, Kaidan is Subject Zero, M/M, Mass Effect 2, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse/Rape, Mindoir (Mass Effect), Slow Dancing, Smooching, The softest thing I've ever written, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, War Hero (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:01:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27599981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mallaidhsomo/pseuds/mallaidhsomo
Summary: One-shots set in the Erlebnisse-verse. Some take place during or after the main story and may or may not follow main story plot.
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard, Past Kaidan Alenko/OC
Series: Erlebnisse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017766
Comments: 15
Kudos: 20





	1. You're Back

**Author's Note:**

> Erlebnisse has some darker themes. Some works in this series may have references to past rape/non-con or descriptions of violence and torture.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the Wordless Ways to Say I Love You prompt on Tumblr. #45 - Rubbing the back of their hand with a thumb.

The lights in the med-bay were dim when Sidney walked in, the only sound the rhythmic beeping from Dr. Chakwas’ scanner. The doctor stood by the only occupied bed, reading over her patient’s stats on a data pad.

“He’ll be out for a while. Whatever Garrus hit him with was enough to drop an elcor,” she chided, lips pulling into a flat line.

Sidney pulled a stool over to the bed and sat down. Seeing Kaidan again, even unconscious, after having been told he was dead twisted something in Sid’s chest. The relief was still a palpable thing, but whatever Kaidan had been through for the last two years had left its mark, physically and mentally.

“It got pretty tense down there.” Sidney sighed, reaching for Kaidan’s hand. It was warm and alive, and Sid felt the tightness ease just a bit. That was a start; he could work with that. “He was just doing what he thought was right.”

Dr. Chakwas nodded, putting a calming hand on his shoulder. “I’m just glad you’re ok. All of you.”

Sid hummed. “He may not agree with that assessment when he wakes up.”

She glanced at Kaidan momentarily before turning her shrewd gaze back to Sidney. “Shepard, I saw that dossier, and I’m reasonably certain it only scratched the surface of what actually happened. Whatever he’s been through for the last two years…”

“I know, Karin.” Sidney found himself tracing a lazy pattern over the back of Kaidan’s hand with his thumb. The comfort was more for him, to solidify that fact that Kaidan was here, alive, and not being tortured in a Cerberus facility or lying frozen and dead on Alchera. He was pretty certain that if Kaidan had woken in that moment, his first reaction would be to slug Sidney, not return any form of affection.

He studied his lover’s face; few day-old stubble and normally perfectly styled hair reduced to a mop of black curls. He found himself combing the wayward locks from Kaidan’s forehead with his free hand before he thought better of it. He then decided to throw reason out the window and kept his fingers carded through hair that was as impossibly soft as he remembered.

“He’s going to need to process it, whatever it is. Could you talk to him?” He asked. “I’m too close to this.”

“Kelly is the ship counselor, Shepard.”

“I know, but he knows you. Kelly is just another stranger in a Cerberus uniform.”

She nodded. “Of course. I’m happy to help.”

“Thank you, Karin.”

He stood to leave, gently resting Kaidan’s hand back on the sheets, then leaned in, pressing his lips to Kaidan’s forehead and lingered, inhaling his scent. Different, but also achingly familiar.

“I’m keeping guards posted outside.” He said as he turned to leave. “Be careful. I don’t think he’s going to be very happy when he wakes up.” 

Dr. Chakwas nodded, giving Sidney’s bicep a reassuring squeeze. “Of course.”

With one final glance at Kaidan, he turned and marched out the door. He and his new second in command needed to have a chat. 


	2. The Son They Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From the Kiss Prompts on Tumblr
> 
> #15 - a gentle 'I love you' whispered after a soft kiss, followed by a stronger kiss

The flight attendant came by and asked if they wanted drinks. Sidney ordered them both waters. He could have honestly gone for another cup of coffee, but from the way Kaidan was fidgeting across from him, he would have had to sneak decaf in front of him, and Shepard wasn’t willing to risk even that minor of a breach of trust. Kaidan’s leg bounced up and down as he chewed on a thumb-nail. He was in his head again, over-thinking, and Sid desperately wanted to pull him out of it, but also knew this was something he needed to work through himself. But, he was sitting with his back to the exit and had yet to reach for a gun that wasn’t there, so that was progress.

“Maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”

Shepard leaned forward in his seat, elbows on his knees. “What makes you say that?”

Kaidan scrubbed his palms across his thighs, continuing to twitch. His eyes darted all over, never landing on one thing for long. Finally, he shrugged. “I don’t know if I’m ready to do this.”

Sidney sighed, scooting forward until his butt was on the edge of his seat and his knees bumped Kaidan’s lightly. Kaidan jumped slightly at the contact, his eyes darting to Sid’s face, but relaxed back to his previous twitchy state once he realized who it was.

“Hey,” Sid murmured. He wanted to reach across the space between them and touch him, take his hands and try to offer him some reassurance, but didn’t. The physical aspect of their relationship was still in limbo. Sidney had to be so careful when he approached him; Kaidan still reacted like a trapped animal with physical contact that he wasn’t expecting.

Still, the desire for physical contact was strong, and Shepard reached across and held his hands above Kaidan’s and paused. He met his eyes. “May I?”

Kaidan nodded his head once, offering permission. Sidney took his hands gently, not pushing or pulling or squeezing, just held them and rubbed his thumbs across the backs below his knuckles in soft circles. Kaidan’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment as he took a deep breath and Sid couldn’t help but smile.

“Look,” Sidney continued, keeping his voice low and soft. “If you really aren’t ready to do this, we can go back. But,” He titled his head so that Kaidan met his eyes again. “Is that really what’s going on?”

Kaidan gazed at him for a few moments. Shepard was pleased to realize that the fidgeting had stopped, and he was now sitting as still as Sid had seen him in a very long time.

“I’m not the son they remember, Sidney.” His tone broke Sid’s heart. “I was damaged when I came back from BAaT, but this…” He shook his head, gaze darting away and out the window.

Sidney’s brows pinched together as he swallowed a lump in his throat. “You aren’t damaged.” He insisted. “You weren’t after you got back from Jump Zero and you certainly aren’t now. Battle-tested, maybe…”

Kaidan snorted, and Sidney could have sworn he saw the hint of a smile on his face, just for a moment.

“And at any rate,” Shepard continued. “They’re going to be so happy to have their son back that they aren’t going to care about a few new scars.”

“I wish I believed that as much as you do,” Kaidan said softly.

“You will. I’ll keep reminding you until you do.”

Kaidan looked back at him then, his eyes darting from their joined hands up to Shepard’s face.

“Thanks for being here, Sid. It means a lot.”

“No where else I’d rather be.” Sidney murmured, leaning in just a tiny bit closer. “You’re the most incredible man I’ve ever met.”

He heard Kaidan’s breath hitch, and he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth as his brows came together. It was a face Sidney recognized as one he got when he was thinking about something, hard. Shepard felt his heart skip when Kaidan’s eyes fell to his mouth, a second before he leaned in and brushed their lips together softly. It was barely a kiss and was over before Sid could even realize it had happened, Kaidan pulling back and staring at him with so much emotion in his face that Sidney just wanted to wrap him up and hold him.

“I love you,” Kaidan whispered, and it was Shepard’s turn to gape at him.

While he hadn’t given up hope completely on hearing those words again, Sidney and stuffed it into the back of his mind. Kaidan still had a tremendous amount of healing to do, and to bear himself emotionally like that showed Sid just how far they’d actually come.

Slowly, he brought his hands up to frame Kaidan’s face, taking care to avoid any movements or spots that could be dominating or possessive. Instead, he carded his fingers into the hair above Kaidan’s temples and brushed his thumbs across his jaw. Kaidan didn’t move, but just continued to gaze at him. Sidney didn’t sense any trepidation or fear, so he leaned in slowly and brought their lips back together. He didn’t move beyond that, letting Kaidan take control, which he did with soft passes of their lips together. It didn’t progress beyond that, didn’t go any deeper, but that was fine, and Sidney still felt the jolt straight down his spine. God, he’d missed it.

Kaidan pulled away and Sid couldn’t help grinning at him like a love-struck fool.

“I love you, too,” Shepard told him, and Kaidan smiled at him, really smiled, and for the first time in a long time, Sidney felt like the luckiest man in the galaxy. 


	3. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst Prompt List on Tumblr - #15 No more, please. I can't

Kaidan had finally moved back into the cabin. He had brought it up, which surprised Shepard but also delighted him. He agreed, happily, kissing Kaidan sweetly and unable to wipe the stupid grin off his face. Kaidan gave him a wry look when he discovered two of the dresser drawers were already empty and waiting.

Sidney shrugged. "Emptied them the night you came back on the ship." He said, unashamed.

Kaidan's smile was small, but it was there.

Sidney was clinical enough in his nature to understand that they wouldn't instantly go back to the way things were, that there would still be an adjustment period, even if they were sharing a bed again.

However, he didn't expect the first night to be _that_ big of an adjustment.

Kaidan sat in the bed, stripped down to a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. On the SR-1, even on the nights they didn't have sex, he usually slept naked, and so did Sidney. But, they hadn't resumed an intimate relationship yet, and Sid wasn't about to broach the subject.

Baby steps.

The sheets were pooled around his waist, and Kaidan's gaze was darting around the room, likely cataloging every detail he could. Survival mechanism. Sid wanted nothing more than to hold him and tell him he didn't need to be wary, not _here_ , not in their shared space. Instead, he stood back, letting Kaidan take whatever steps he felt were necessary.

Sidney went into the bathroom to change into his own pajamas, figuring that striping butt naked in front of him would probably send Kaidan the wrong signal.

When he exited the bathroom and moved to join him on the bed, he couldn't help but notice the sudden tightness in his partner's body and the way he fidgeted slightly away from him.

Sidney paused, studying Kaidan; the increased rate of his breathing, the dilating of his pupils.

"K, are you sure you're ok with this?"

"Yeah, it's fine." He replied, too quickly.

Sid sighed. "You don't look fine."

Kaidan squirmed slightly. "It's just that… last few times I've shared a bed with someone haven't been…"

He didn't seem inclined to finish, which was fine by Sidney. If Kaidan wanted to talk it out, he'd listen, but if he didn't want to talk it out…. Well, Sid wasn't keen on the icy feeling in his gut when he thought about the things his partner had been through.

"Ok, how about this," Sidney offered. "I'll sleep on the couch tonight. Give you some time to adjust to sharing a _room_ with someone before we move to sharing a bed."

Kaidan sighed. "Sidney, I'm not kicking you out of your bed. I'll take the couch."

Sidney waved him off, already pulling a pillow off the bed and grabbing a blanket from the closet. "It's _our_ bed. I want you to start thinking of it that way. Besides, the couch is comfortable. I'll be fine." He winked, tossing the pillow and blanket to the couch.

"Sid, I'm sorry."

"For what?" Sidney replied, adjusting his bedding.

"It's _you_ , not… I don't know why I started freaking out when I saw you heading towards the bed."

Sidney approached the bed again, slowly, and leaned in to press a chaste kiss to Kaidan's forehead. When his partner let out a soft sigh, he kissed him again, on the nose this time, then onto his lips.

"You know why," he said softly, kissing both his cheeks before moving back to his mouth again. "But we don't have to unpack that tonight. Just, get some sleep. This bed is way more comfortable than that shit cot down in engineering."

Kaidan snorted, a shy smile teasing the corners of his mouth, and Sidney couldn't help himself so he kissed him again, content in the fact that he could just do that again, and that Kaidan not only allowed it, but seemed to desire it as well.

"Goodnight, K."

Kaidan wished him the same and snuggled down into the bed. Sidney settled into his place on the couch, pulling the blanket around him and calling out for the lights to be turned down, but not out completely. Kaidan didn't do well in the pitch black, either.

He was asleep in minutes, content that his partner was _in the room_ , even if he wasn't in the bed with him. It was a step in the right direction.

Sidney wasn't sure how long he slept, but he was woken up by the smell of eezo, so strong in the air he could _taste_ it, and the tingle running across his skin indicating an activated biotic field.

But it wasn't until he heard a _whimper_ that he sat up with a jolt.

"No more, please."

The _desperation_ in his voice drove Shepard to his feet, and he was across the room in an instant, standing next to the bed where his partner was bathed in the earthly glow of his biotic field, face pinched in pain.

"I can't," his voice cracked at the end, and Sidney had enough, forgetting the danger of waking him.

"Kaidan." His voice was stern, but not loud. "Wake up, angel. It's a dream."

A sharp intake of breath and glowing blue eyes were staring back at him, but in the next moment the dark energy around Kaidan pulsed and erupted, and Sid found himself hurled across the room, hitting the far wall with a _crack_. He crumpled to the floor in a heap, the wind knocked out of him.

He groaned as he tried to right himself, which ended with him falling back on his ass the first time. Kaidan scrambled off the bed to kneel in front of him, looking terrified for a different reason.

"Fuck, Sidney, I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"

"Yeah," he wheezed.

Kaidan cursed again, clasping him around the arms to help him stand. When Sidney looked up to meet his eyes, he looked defeated.

"This was a mistake. I shouldn't have asked you if I could move back in."

Sidney shook his head, letting Kaidan help him back to the bed, where he sat on the edge.

"No. _I want_ you here. It wasn't a mistake. It's just… an adjustment period."

Kaidan snorted, staring at him incredulously. "'An adjustment period'. Sidney, I could _have killed_ you."

Shepard waved him off. "I'm tougher than I look"

Which was true. It was also true that had he not been made of Cerberus parts, it was very likely he'd be heading to med-bay, or worse. Kaidan's biotics used to be like his own, calm, precise, controlled. Now, they were more chaotic, wild.

Kaidan was standing in front of him, staring at him like he missed him already. "I should go."

Sidney tried for a smile, felt it pretty easy to pull in Kaidan's presence, even given the situation. "That's my line."

Kaidan let out a frustrated sigh, but sat heavily on the bed next to Shepard.

Sid reached out to cover one of Kaidan's hands with his own. "If you really want to leave, I won't stop you. But I'm asking you to stay. I want you here, more than I've wanted anything in a long, long time." Kaidan's eyes darted up to his face and Sidney gave him a shy smile. "I love you. Which means we're going to work this thing out, together."

Kaidan swallowed thickly, looking at his lap.

"K, please. I can't stand the idea of you going through this alone. You can throw me into a wall every fucking night for the rest of our lives if it means I can help you through it."

They were both quiet for a moment, and Sid sat gazing at his partner's beautiful, sad face, hopeful.

"Alright, I'll stay," Kaidan replied, voice small.

Sidney squeezed his hand, then stood to go back to the couch, but turned to stare at Kaidan quizzically when he didn't let go of Sid's hand. 

"Don't go back to the couch," he said, giving Shepard the puppy dog eyes that he was powerless against.

Kaidan shifted back to his side of the bed, pulling Sidney with him. They settled under the covers, and Sid pulled Kaidan against his chest, wrapping an arm around his waist.

"This alright? Or did you want to be the big spoon?" He smiled against the back of Kaidan's neck when he heard his partner snicker.

"No," Kaidan finally said, letting out a contented sigh when Sidney pressed a kiss behind his ear. "No, this is nice."

Kaidan grabbed Sidney's hand on his stomach, bringing it up to his chest and tangling their fingers together. Sid's heart skipped, and he smiled, nuzzling into the back of Kaidan's neck.

"I love you,"

"Always," Kaidan murmured, almost back asleep again.

His nightmares didn't return that night. 


	4. Many Talents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 100 Ways to Say I Love You Prompt - "I Made your Favorite"

Shepard had never failed this spectacularly. There had been some close calls, almost disasters, and situations where he had picked the best of a bunch of terrible options. But this?

God, what was Kaidan going to say?

He grumbled, glaring at the charred remains of what had started out as an incredibly good idea.

As if summoned, the door behind him opened with a soft hum and Kaidan's familiar footsteps filled the room.

"What's that _smell_?" he quipped, and Sidney grimaced. "Is something burning?"

Shepard let out his breath with a huff, throwing one last disapproving look at his failure before turning to greet his partner. Kaidan sniffed the air, wrinkling his nose and scrunching up his features in an adorable way. Shepard closed the distance between them, grasping Kaidan's hips to pull him close. One of his partner's eyebrows rose in question, accompanied by a sly grin.

"Sid?" he chided.

Shepard gave him his best pout, which couldn't hold a candle to Kaidan's puppy dog eyes on a good day, but he figured it was worth a shot.

"I made your favorite?"

Kaidan's other eyebrow joined the first up by his forehead, and he peered over Shepard’s shoulder at the stove. "Did you now…"

Shepard groaned, letting his head fall to Kaidan's shoulder. Kaidan chuckled, patting his back reassuringly.

"'A' for effort?" Shepard asked, voice muffled as he burrowed further into Kaidan's neck.

"Sure, babe," Kaidan smirked, disentangling himself from Shepard so he could approach the wreckage that had meant to be their dinner.

"Yellow curry with duck, huh?" Kaidan wondered, poking a sauté pan with a spatula, moving a bit of blackened duck out of the way, scrunching up his nose again as a fresh wave of the smell attacked his senses.

Shepard joined him in front of the stove, sneaking a finger into one of his belt loops and bumping their hips together. "I don't know what went wrong. You make it look so easy when you cook."

Kaidan grinned, retrieving the sauté pan and scraping the burnt remains into the trash. "I thought we agreed to let me handle the cooking."

Shepard sighed, cracking a window to let some of the smoke out. "Yeah, but I wanted to do something nice for you. Besides, how hard can it be?"

Kaidan laughed, dropping the pan in the sink, and running some water to let it soak. "Says the man that just turned our kitchen into a war zone."

Shepard frowned. Kaidan approached him, smile still plastered to his face, and wrapped his arms around Sidney's shoulders to pull him into a kiss. Shepard hummed happily, smiling against Kaidan's mouth. "Sorry I ruined dinner," he said when they pulled apart.

Kaidan snorted, carding a hand through Shepard's hair, eyes roaming over his face. "It was sweet of you to try. Just remember next time that your many talents don't extend to the kitchen."

Shepard grinned, slipping his hands around to the small of Kaidan's back and underneath his shirt, seeking bare skin. "'Many talents' huh?"

Kaidan hummed, fingers moving to the back of Sidney's neck to skirt across his amp port. Shepard hissed out a breath, shuddering against his partner.

"Many, many talents," Kaidan murmured, peppering kisses across Shepard’s jaw to nip at his ear lobe. "All of which we can explore after dinner."

Kaidan winked at him, pulling away and leaving him with a peck on the cheek. Shepard gaped, reaching out to pull him back in, but Kaidan side stepped away with a _tsk_. He pulled up an interface on his omni-tool and began tapping away.

"What are you doing?" Sidney asked, coming up behind him to wrap his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Kaidan's shoulder.

Kaidan smirked. "Ordering curry. I've got a taste for it now."

Shepard huffed, his breath tickling Kaidan's ear and making him shiver. "What, my curry isn't good enough for you?"

Kaidan pulled away enough to give him a sardonic look. Shepard graced him with a shit eating grin.

"Sid," Kaidan chided, reaching up to cup one of his cheeks. "I love you, but stay the fuck out of my kitchen, ok?"

Shepard groaned, overly dramatic, letting his weight fall against his partner's back. "Fine, you win. Next time I get the urge to cook you dinner, I'll order in and we can pretend I'm a master chef."

Kaidan snorted.

"How long until dinner is here?" Shepard asked, hands roaming across Kaidan's waistband. His partner squirmed slightly when Sidney popped open the button on his pants.

"About thirty minutes," Kaidan's voice came out breathy and low.

"Perfect," Shepard beamed, spinning Kaidan around and crowding him against the kitchen island. "Plenty of time."

"Time for what?" Kaidan was fairly sure he knew the answer, but it never hurt to get confirmation. He bit down on his bottom lip as Shepard worked open the fly of his pants.

Shepard hummed against his neck, planting kisses down to his throat. "Time for me to practice one of those 'many talents'."

Kaidan grinned. Yeah, best dinner ever. 


	5. Tarantism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tarantism - The urge to overcome melancholy by dancing. 
> 
> From a Tumblr prompt list. Also the one where I decided that Kaidan's mom is a jazz singer in this verse.

Shepard contemplated the neat stack of data pads on the coffee table in front of him. He had hoped that a stiff drink and soothing music would ease the tension of having to study endless reports of troop movements, casualty statistics, and Reaper sightings, but that didn't seem to be the case. He took a sip of whisky, picking up the next report.

A never ending parade of suck.

He skimmed the report. Another colony lost, turian this time. Forty percent of the colonists were evacuated before the Reapers landed. That was an astronomically _good_ number, too.

The data pad hit the coffee table with a _clank_ where he tossed it. He slouched back into the couch, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wanted to sleep for months, but every time he had some time alone and attempted to close his eyes, he was plagued by any number of horrors: asphyxiating over Alchera and hearing Kaidan sob his name over the comm, watching the Reapers descend on Vancouver, leaving Mordin in that fucking shroud tower.

The few hours he was able to snag here and there always felt selfish, taking a break while the Reapers burned the galaxy to a lifeless ember. Which was, of course, ridiculous. Without time to recharge, he was increasing the odds that he'd die in some ridiculously stupid way before he was able to finish the job.

He threw back the rest of the whisky, then deposited the glass on the table next to the data pads. A chime and a soft whoosh echoed through the cabin as the door opened, and Shepard grinned at the familiar sound of Kaidan's footsteps.

There was one thing left in this shit show that made him deliriously happy, and he had just walked through the door.

He rose to greet his partner, who stopped a few feet inside, head cocked to the side and a small smile on his face.

"This music sounds familiar. Did…?"

"Your mother sent it to me. Thought I might like it." He closed the space between them, cupping Kaidan's face in his hands and pulling him in for a kiss. He sighed into it, feeling a planet's worth of weight fall off his shoulders.

Sidney had never given much thought to the idea that a _person_ could be his refuge, until he'd kissed Kaidan for the first time.

Kaidan peered over his shoulder as they parted. "Are you busy?"

Shepard shrugged, letting his arms fall to Kaidan's waist. "Just more of the same. Endless piles of reports, less and less good news by the day."

"Should I go? Let you concentrate?" Kaidan asked, and actually made a move to step away before Shepard pulled him forward by the hips, bringing them flush together.

"Nope, stay right where you are." He nuzzled into Kaidan's neck, inhaling his signature scent of eezo and clove mixed with a woodsy scent that always made his head fuzzy. His partner shivered under the attention; he was particularly sensitive around his throat.

"You're listening to my mother's jazz music and you've got the good whisky out. You're trying to concentrate. I shouldn't distract you."

"First of all," Sidney argued, nipping playfully at Kaidan's earlobe and relishing the small gasp he received in response. "This is your cabin as well, and you can come and go as you damn well please." He followed up the nibble with a swipe of his tongue as he grasped one of Kaidan's hands between them, resting it on his sternum. Kaidan settled against him, letting out a soft sigh. "Second, _you_ are more important than all these fucking reports. It can wait."

"Sid…" Kaidan started, but Shepard cut him off with a kiss. He knew what he was going to say, anyhow. Of course Sidney cared about the reports and the mission and all of it. That always came first.

And look what it had nearly cost him. He was going to sneak in these moments of selfishness when he could.

He guided Kaidan's arm around his shoulders, then snaked his free arm around his partner's waist. With their fingers tangled together and trapped between them, Shepard could feel Kaidan's heart beat against him, and the music playing around them seemed to agree that it was a-ok to take some time for themselves. He smiled against Kaidan's temple, letting his eyes drift shut as he began to lead them both in a simple sway.

He expected a chuckle, maybe even a joke about Shepard's dancing skills, but Kaidan hummed in contentment, the last of the tension bleeding out as he relaxed against Sidney's body.

"This is one of my favorites," he offered, cupping the back of Shepard's neck. The song had a slow, sensual rhythm, the perfect mix of guitar and the haunting voice of the female singer.

Sidney hummed, tracing lazy circles against the small of Kaidan's back with his thumb. "Your mom has good taste."

Kaidan snorted, his breath tickling Shepard's neck. "I hope so. She wouldn't be very good at her job, otherwise."

Sidney grinned, pressing a kiss to Kaidan's hair. "I beginning to think she had an ulterior motive when sending me the most romantic music from her collection."

"She _always_ has an ulterior motive," Kaidan explained, chuckling. "She also happens to be your number one fan."

Shepard gasped softly. "I thought _you_ were my number one fan,"

Kaidan squeezed the hand clasped firmly in his. "Always." 


	6. Still Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From a kiss prompt on Tumblr: "Don't ever scare me like that again."
> 
> _Kaidan goes a little vanguard_

Kaidan had changed. From the moment he'd come back onboard the Normandy, Shepard noticed the differences. Some were obvious; two full sleeve tattoos to cover the scarring on once pristine skin, a general distrust of strangers where he used to embrace newcomers. Others were more subtle; the run of the mill military attentiveness replaced with a nearly obsessive hyper-vigilance, an aversion to physical touch where he used to show physical affection almost without thought.

It was the same in the field. It had taken a long time for Kaidan to think of his abilities as anything but a force for destruction, his control enviable but his fear of his own body heartbreaking. Now, he seemed to _embrace_ the destruction. The first time he'd watched Kaidan truly _let go_ , Shepard could only sit back and stare. It was equal parts terrifying and beautiful.

Shepard would smile as he began to see a bit of the old Kaidan peeking out, specifically around familiar faces from the SR-1 like Tali and Garrus, but he understood his partner would never be the same. Hell, he'd accepted it. He was still Kaidan, after all, still the man Sidney had fallen in love with. Just a little rough around the edges.

But occasionally, Shepard received a stark reminder that the man he fell for chasing after Saren was not the same man he pulled off Pragia.

The Blood Pack had them pinned down on Zada Ban. They were low on ammo and Shepard could practically feel his amp smoking from overuse in the base of his skull.

He pulled Thane behind cover with him right as both their shields fizzled out, putting nothing but a corner between them and a pissed off vorcha with a flame thrower.

"I'm on your five, Shepard," came Kaidan's voice in his comm, and Shepard thought _my hero_ , expecting a couple well placed bullets or the static buzz of Kaidan's biotic field.

What he didn't expect was an ear-piercing sonic boom that was followed by streak of light so bright that it blinded him for a moment. He swayed into Thane, knocked sideways by the wind whipping around something moving so fast he couldn't see it. The static of a biotic field stood the hairs on his arms on end, and the vorcha's screech was cut off by a sickening crunch.

Shepard and Thane exchanged curious looks as they watched Kaidan calmly pulled the flamethrower off the vorcha's broken corpse, his biotic field fading in shimmering waves behind him.

Sid had called him his angel once. He probably should have specified what kind.

Clearing out the rest of the vorcha on the base was a slog, so Shepard didn't have time to wrap his mind around Kaidan's vanguard biotic display until they were back on the shuttle, and then Thane and the shuttle pilot where _right there_ and it didn't feel like the right time. So, he put it aside for the moment, sitting heavily on the bench next to Kaidan, letting his helmet fall to the ground with a thunk.

He rested his head against the bulkhead, swiping sweaty hair off his forehead and sparing a glance at his partner. He received a small grin in return, one that didn't quite reach his eyes, but Kaidan reached across the space between them and caught Sidney's hand in his own.

They made it back to the Normandy, kitted down, and were back in Shepard's cabin before he opened his mouth to say anything. But Kaidan cut him off with a kiss, cupping his face in both hands, thumbs tracing his jaw.

"Don't ever scare me like that again," he murmured, resting their foreheads together.

Sidney pulled away enough to look at him, vexed. " _Me_ scare _you_? What _was_ that back there?"

Kaidan sighed, dropping his hands. "I had to get to you, and fast. Both your shields were down and that vorcha was about to turn you and Thane into barbeque. I didn't really think about it, I just did it."

Sidney studied him for a moment, enough that a hurt look crossed Kaidan's faace, and he backed away.

"You're scared of me, aren't you?" he asked, voice small.

Sidney shook his head, reaching out to gently grasp his wrists. "No, never. Not scared of you. Just…it's different. You're different, like you said."

Kaidan shifted his arms to intertwine both of their hands together, offering Sid a small, hesitant smile. "Different, but still yours?"

Sidney grinned, pulling him into his chest and nuzzling against his neck.

"Still mine," he murmured. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you want to learn more about Sid and the Phoenix-verse, please visit me on [ Tumblr ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/mallaidhsomo). 
> 
> Phoenix also has a [ playlist on Spotify ](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2eEgKfaLuU2hFRnMsrFknk?si=i5aEWSIaRMGPsUJBYBFqhw).


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